Best Divorce Letter !!!

Dear hubby:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.. I’ve

been a good woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last

straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut,

had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk dress.

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your

games. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want anything

that connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you

don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Wife

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving away to West

Virginia

together! Have a great life!

Husband’s reply to his wife’s letter :

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a

far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my games so much because they drown

out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice

when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was

‘You look just like a boy!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything

if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my

favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I

stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk dress: I turned away

from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was

a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I

hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets

to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason,

I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that

the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born as

Carla(woman)………I hope that’s not a problem

Dilbert’s one liners !

Here are some nice Dilbert’s one liners:

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Try & try, if you don’t succeed, then CHEAT

4. Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O’clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

21. It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. – Cunino’s Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

28. The road to success…. Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.

……. and here’s the best of the lot……..

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else!

Another Love story to beautify my Blog

 

due

to being polite, she promised. They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was

too

nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, please,

let

me go home…. suddenly he asked the waiter. ‘would you please give me

some salt? I’d like to put it in my coffee.’

Everybody stared at him, so strange! His face turned red, but still, he

put the salt in his coffee and drank it. She asked him

curiously; why

you

have this hobby? He replied: ‘when I was a little boy, I was living near

the sea, I like playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea,

just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty

coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my

hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there’. While

saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched.

That’s his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can

tell

out his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home, cares about home,

has responsibility of home. Then she also started to speak, spoke about

her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family. That was a really nice

talk, also a beautiful beginning of their story.

They continued to date. She found that actually he was a man who meets

all

her demands; he had tolerance, was kind hearted,

warm, careful. He was

such a good person but she almost missed him! Thanks to his salty

coffee!

Then the story was just like every beautiful love story , the princess

married to the prince, then they were living the happy life… And,

every

time she made coffee for him, she put some salt in the coffee e, as she

knew that’s the way he liked it.

After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said: ‘My

dearest,

please forgive me, forgive my whole life lie. This was the only lie I

said

to you—the salty coffee. Remember the first time we dated? I was so

nervous at that time, actually I wanted some sugar, but I said salt It

was

hard for me to change so I just went ahead.I never thought that could be

the start of

our communication! I tried to tell you the truth many times

in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to

lie

to you for anything..

Now I’m dying, I afraid of nothing so I tell you the truth: I don’t like

the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste…. But I have had the salty

coffee for my whole life! Since I knew you, I never feel sorry for

anything I do for you. Having you with me is my biggest happiness for my

whole life. If I can live for the second time, still want to know you

and

have you for my whole life,even though I have to drink the salty coffee

again’.

Her tears made the letter totally wet.Someday, someone asked her: what’s

the taste of salty coffee?

It’s sweet. She replied.

Love is not 2 forget but 2 forgive, not 2 c but 2 understand, not 2 hear

but 2 listen, not 2 let go but 2 HOLD ON !!!!

Don’t ever leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love.

Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.

Who calls you back when you hang up on him.

Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.

Who holds your hand in front of his friends..

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, ‘…that’s her.’

An amazing Love Story

He met her on a party. She was so outstanding, many guys chasing after

her, while he so normal, nobody paid attention to him. At the end of the

party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but

due

to being polite, she promised. They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was

too

nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, please,

let

me go home…. suddenly he asked the waiter. ‘would you please give me

some salt? I’d like to put it in my coffee.’

Everybody stared at him, so strange! His face turned red, but still, he

put the salt in his coffee and drank it. She asked him

curiously; why

you

have this hobby? He replied: ‘when I was a little boy, I was living near

the sea, I like playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea,

just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty

coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my

hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there’. While

saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched.

That’s his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can

tell

out his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home, cares about home,

has responsibility of home. Then she also started to speak, spoke about

her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family. That was a really nice

talk, also a beautiful beginning of their story.

They continued to date. She found that actually he was a man who meets

all

her demands; he had tolerance, was kind hearted,

warm, careful. He was

such a good person but she almost missed him! Thanks to his salty

coffee!

Then the story was just like every beautiful love story , the princess

married to the prince, then they were living the happy life… And,

every

time she made coffee for him, she put some salt in the coffee e, as she

knew that’s the way he liked it.

After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said: ‘My

dearest,

please forgive me, forgive my whole life lie. This was the only lie I

said

to you—the salty coffee. Remember the first time we dated? I was so

nervous at that time, actually I wanted some sugar, but I said salt It

was

hard for me to change so I just went ahead.I never thought that could be

the start of

our communication! I tried to tell you the truth many times

in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to

lie

to you for anything..

Now I’m dying, I afraid of nothing so I tell you the truth: I don’t like

the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste…. But I have had the salty

coffee for my whole life! Since I knew you, I never feel sorry for

anything I do for you. Having you with me is my biggest happiness for my

whole life. If I can live for the second time, still want to know you

and

have you for my whole life,even though I have to drink the salty coffee

again’.

Her tears made the letter totally wet.Someday, someone asked her: what’s

the taste of salty coffee?

It’s sweet. She replied.

Love is not 2 forget but 2 forgive, not 2 c but 2 understand, not 2 hear but 2 listen, not 2 let go but 2 HOLD ON !!!!

Don’t ever leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love.

Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.

Who calls you back when you hang up on him.

Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.

Who holds your hand in front of his friends..

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, ‘…that’s her.’

People who liked this, will love to read this as well : Laws on Girls !! @http://wp.me/pjgY2-7N

The Axe Effect !!

Unable to attract even a single girl, frustrated man sues Axe

New Delhi. In what could prove to be a major marketing and legal
embarrassment for Hindustan Unilever Limited (HUL), a 26-year-old man
has filed a case against the FMCG company, which owns the Axe brand of
men grooming products, for ‘cheating’ and causing him ‘mental
suffering’. The plaintiff has cited his failure to attract any girl at
all even though he’s been using Axe products for over seven years now.
Axe advertisements suggest that the products help men in instantly
attracting women.

Vaibhav Bedi, the petitioner, also surrendered all his used, unused and
half-used deodorant sprays, perfume sticks and roll-ons,
anti-perspirants, aftershaves, body washes, shampoos, and hair gels to
the court, and demanded a laboratory test of the products and narcotics
test of the brand managers of Axe. Vaibhav was pushed to take this step
when his bai (maid) beat him with a broom when he tried to impress her
after applying all the Axe products. cid:image010.gif@01CA2192.E9691400

No girl ever asked Vaibhav to call her

No girl ever asked Vaibhav to call her

“Where the **** is the Axe effect? I’ve been waiting for it for over
seven years. Right from my college to now in my office, no girl ever
agreed to even go out for a tea or coffee with me, even though I’m sure
they could smell my perfumes, deodorants and aftershaves. I always
applied them in abundance to make sure the girls get turned on as they
show in the television. Finally I thought I’d try to impress my lonely
bai who had an ugly fight with her husband and was living alone for over
a year. Axe effect my foot!” Vaibhav expressed his unhappiness.

Vaibhav claims that he had been using all the Axe products as per the
company’s instructions even since he first bought them. He argued that
if he couldn’t experience the Axe effect despite using the products as
directed, either the company was making false claims or selling fake
products.

“I had always stored them in cool and dry place, and kept them away from
direct light or heat. I’d always use a ruler before applying the spray
and make sure that the distance between the nozzle and my armpit was at
least 15 centimeters. I’d do everything they told. I even beat up my
5-year-old nephew for coming near my closet, as they had instructed it
to keep away from children’s reach. And yet, all I get is a broom
beating from my ugly bai.” Vaibhav expressed his frustration.

Vaibhav claims that he had to do go a lot of mental suffering and public
humiliation due to the lack of Axe effect and wants HUL to compensate
him for this agony. An advocate in Karkardooma court, who happened to
mistake Vaibhav for some deodorant vendor when he entered the court
premises with all the bottles, has now offered to take up his case in
the court. HUL has been served a legal notice in this regard.

HUL has officially declined to comment on the case citing the subject to
be sub judice, but our sources inform that the company was worried over
the possible outcomes of the case. The company might argue that Vaibhav
was hopelessly unattractive and unintelligent and didn’t possess the
bare minimum requirements for the Axe effect to take place. Officially
HUL has not issued any statement, but legal experts believe that HUL
could have tough time convincing the court.

“HUL might be tempted to take that line of argument, but it is very
risky. There is no data to substantiate the supposition that
unattractive and unintelligent men don’t attract women. In fact some of
the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely
ghoulish guys. I’d suggest that the company settles this issue out of
court.” noted lawyer Ram Jhoothmalani said.

People who liked this, will love to read this as well : Laws on Girls !! @ http://wp.me/pjgY2-7N

The history of the middle finger !

I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.  Isn’t history more fun when you know something about it?  Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.   Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as ‘plucking the yew’ (or ‘pluck yew’).

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!   Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F’, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!   It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as ‘giving the bird.’

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.  Isn’t history more fun when you know something about it?  Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.   Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as ‘plucking the yew’ (or ‘pluck yew’).

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!   Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F’, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!   It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as ‘giving the bird.’

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

Laws on Girls !!

1.If u think a girl is beautiful, she’ll always have a boyfriend to confirm that

2. the nicer she is…the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!

3. The more the makeup, worse the looks…

4. “99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company.”………… …..100% true 

5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.

6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed..

7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she’ll want to be friends with you.

8. Theory of relativity.. ….

The more u run towards a hot chick….the more she goes away from u…

9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone… just when you are about to let her know about your feelings…she will spot a long lost friend( I guess from Kumbh ka Mela)

Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1

Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (somesmile for the guys)

10. the day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-

1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3.Have a bad hair day

11. all the good girls are either nuns or married .the rest go around with u and ruin ur money,health and leave u a total wreck.

12. the more seriously u like a girl…the more seriously her dad will hate u

13. the love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you