Archive for November 2009

Don’t Lie to Your Mother………..especially if she is Indian !!!

November 26, 2009

 

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner……. who lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Kumar’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Kumar volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Kumar said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote :
———————-
Dear Mother:
I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the silver plate from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the silver plate.. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Kumar
———————-
Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read :
———————-
Dear Son:
I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Sunita, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow…
Love, Mom.
———————-
Lesson of the day:
Don’t Lie to Your Mother………..especially if she is Indian

 

 

4 Friends …. Must Read !

November 17, 2009

Amazing analogy! Makes you pause & think….. to all my friends do read even if you’re busy have you not heard about the phrase “Stop and Smell the Flower”

This is something to think about: 4 BOYFRIENDS

Once upon a time there was this girl who had four boyfriends.

She loved the 4th boyfriend the most and adored him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of* ** * delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.

She also loved the 3rd boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another.

She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult* * times.

The girls 1st boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him!

One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, * * I now have four boyfriends with me, but when I die, I’ll be all alone.”

Thus, she asked the 4th boyfriend, “I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I’m dying, will you follow me and keep me company?”

“No way!”, replied the 4th boyfriend, and he walked away without another word.

His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.

The sad girl then asked the 3rd boyfriend, “I loved you all my life. Now that I’m dying, will you follow me and keep me company?”

“No!”, replied the 3rd boyfriend. “Life is too good! When you die, I’m going to marry someone else!”

Her heart sank and turned cold.

She then asked the 2nd boyfriend, “I have always turned to you for help and you’ve always been there for me.

When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t help you out this time!”, replied the 2nd boyfriend. “At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.”

His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.

Then a voice called out: “I’ll go with you. I’ll follow you no matter where you go.”

The girl looked up, and there was his first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect.

Greatly grieved, the girl said, “I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!”

 

In truth, you have 4 boyfriends in your lives:

Your 4th boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.

Your 3rd boyfriend is your possessions, status and wealth.When you die, it will all go to others.

Your 2nd boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.

And your 1st boyfriend is your Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.

However, your Soul is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you that will follow you to the throne of God and continue with you throughout Eternity.

Thought for the day:Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you’re in the perfect position to pray.

Pass this on to someone you care about – I just did.

NB! Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect. It means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections.

I hope this touched you! 🙂

Logically Speaking !!!

November 17, 2009

 

>— I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I’m perfect.
>— If I save time, when do I get it back?
>— The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
>— As I said before, I never repeat myself.
>— Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
>— If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
>— War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who is left.
>— Best way to prevent a hangover is to stay drunk.
>— If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it’s your stupidity.
>— I was born intelligent…. education ruined me.
>— A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station… What more can I say !
>— If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
>— Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
>— How come “abbreviated” is such a long word?
>— Don’t frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
>— The Best of Proverbs :
Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are enough
>— Living on Earth may be expensive…but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun….!
>— Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep!
>— SMOKING KILLS SLOWLY.
So what? Who’s in a hurry?
>— A drunk was hauled into court.
“Mister”, the judge began, “you’ve been brought here for drinking….”
“Great,” the drunk exclaimed . When do we get started ?
>— Can you do anything that other people can’t ?
Sure, I can read my handwriting…..!

 

 

ABC to get a Perfect Guy !!

November 13, 2009

Relationships are funny. You never know what works for some people. Maybe your best friend is with someone that you can’t stand. Maybe the only thing holding you back from meeting the perfect someone is the fact that they like peanut butter and you can’t stand it. Maybe we spend so much time debating it and going over the rights and wrongs in our heads that we have lost sight of the things that are really important. What do we want from our life partner? What basic needs do we have out of a relationship? Is your nitpicking going to hinder your approach to love?

A lot of people want to know how to find love. A lot of people are sure that if they just stumble upon the perfect someone, everything will go according to plan. This is not true. For one thing, there is no such thing as the perfect person, just someone who is perfect for you. For another, it takes a lot of work to keep a relationship healthy and happy. So, the tips I’m going to offer today work as guidelines towards finding your special someone, but bearing in mind that these things take time. Disclaimer in place, let’s begin.

1) Examine your life: If you’ve been single for a really long time, you begin to wonder what it is you’re doing wrong. How come everyone else is happy and content, getting married all around you and you’re all alone? Relax. It’s got nothing to do with you as a person and everything to do with your habits. As human beings, we like the safe and the secure. We’re comfortable in familiar environments. Your familiar environment might be the group of friends you’ve had since school, or the couples you befriended from work, or just people you have known for a very long time. And in this secure setting, your “safe place” you aren’t going to meet anyone new. In order to find Mr/Ms Right, you need to explore the places he or she might be. If you’re very, very lucky, he or she is one of your best friends. But like it or not, life is not a movie and this doesn’t happen to most people. Get out of your comfort zones, asap, start accepting invitations from random people, go to a party by yourself maybe, or even do something as simple as talk to someone you’ve been wanting to speak to for a long time. You’ll be surprised how therapeutic this can be and how it can really pave the way for you to open your mind to new experiences.

2) Have a check-list: By now you probably have a pretty good idea of what the perfect person should be like. Make a note of it in your head. What are your deal breakers? Are you a non-smoker? A vegetarian? Need someone who loves to travel? Whatever your essentials are, make sure that the other person has them. These are things that don’t change much with time, so give up trying to mould someone else. Be sure you know what you want before you go out for it.

3) Destroy your check-list: Not everything can be brought down to a simple list. Okay, sure, so some things are non-negotiable. But relationships are also about compromise and you don’t want to load someone else down with the weight of all your expectations. Keep it simple and maybe you’ll learn to love the things they love too. You’ll never know till you try.

4) Learn to love yourself: This may sound cliché, but I cannot emphasise too much how important this is. People take cues from other people. Chances are, if you play yourself as an unassuming, self-deprecatory person, other people will view you as that too. Now, I’m not saying be a show off. But be confident and embrace your flaws and your good qualities equally. Nothing is as sexy as someone with confidence and that’s what you should be, to draw other people to you.

5) Stop obsessing: And finally, stop having all these rules for your life. Okay so that hot girl never called you back. It’s not a big deal. At the end of the day, you should be with someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. Someone who respects who you are and loves you for it. If you keep thinking to yourself, ‘Oh, I should be married by the time I’m thirty’ I can guarantee you that you will wind up ‘settling’ for someone instead of waiting for the perfect person. And they’re out there. It just needs a little patience.

Good luck to you in your search for love.

Know some unknown history of words !

November 13, 2009
What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
Ans. – All invented by women.
MOPED is the short term for ‘Motorized Pedaling’.
POP MUSIC is ‘Popular Music’ shortened.
BUS is the short term for ‘Omnibus’ that means everybody.
FORTNIGHT comes from ‘Fourteen Nights’ (Two Weeks).
DRAWING ROOM was actually a ‘withdrawing room’ where people withdrew after  Dinner. Later the prefix ‘with’ was dropped..
NEWS refers to information from Four directions N, E, W and S..
AG-MARK, which some products bear, stems from ‘Agricultural Marketing’.
JOURNAL is a diary that tells about ‘Journey for a day’ during each Day’s business.
QUEUE comes from ‘Queen’s Quest’.. Long back a long row of people as waiting to see the Queen. Someone made the comment Queen’s Quest.
TIPS come from ‘To Insure Prompt Service’. In olden days to get Prompt service from servants in an inn, travellers used to drop coins in a Box  on which was written ‘To Insure Prompt Service’. This gave rise to the custom of Tips.
JEEP is a vehicle with unique Gear system. It was invented during World War II (1939-1945). It was named ‘General Purpose Vehicle  (GP)’.GP was changed into JEEP later.
Interesting Facts……………………
Coca-Cola was originally green.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters  only on one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!
You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
People say “Bless you” when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky..
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.
Spades – King David
Clubs – Alexander the Great,
Hearts – Charlemagne
Diamonds – Julius Caesar.
If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

 

Four Management Lessons !

November 12, 2009
* Lesson Number One *
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

* Lesson Number Two *
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy. “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
* Lesson Number Three *
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.” The hands said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.” And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson: You don’t need brains to be Boss, any asshole will do!
* Lesson Number Four  *
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard he bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lessons Summary:
1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. When you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations

November 11, 2009

 

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia.. …why don’t you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask…
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is ! the “Butter Paneer Masala” dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years…
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven’t particularly s hr unk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you’re marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he’s a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout….it’s just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping…. you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I’m shedding…. …
9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.
10.. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks…
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it’s a miracle …….it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!

 

 

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