Posts Tagged ‘Humour’

Learn to “Move ON”

February 23, 2012

A wise man once sat in the audience & cracked a joke.
All laughed like crazy. After a moment he cracked the same joke again and a little less people laughed this time.
He cracked the same joke again & again, When there was no laughter in the crowd,
he smiled and said

“When u can’t laugh on the same joke again & again, then why do u keep crying over the same thing over and over again.

‘Forget the past & move on’…

Keep smiling …………coz dats wht can make u feel ur importance on earth…..:)

Have a nice day..:)

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I never take risk……

March 29, 2011

I never take risk while drinking ……..

When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile

I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I to my wife : Any news on chopra’s daughter’s marriage
Wife : Nope, she doesn’t seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out
for her

I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don’t make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg

Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I to Wife : But still I think chopra’s daughter’s age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old… like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh…

I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard’s place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink

Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj’s photo & keep it in
the black cupboard

Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I to Wife: (getting angry) you call Mr. chopra a horse? If you say that
again, I willcut your tongue…!
Wife: Don’t just blabber something, go out and sit quietly…

I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile

Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I to Wife : (laughing) So chopra is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face…

I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside

I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk

chopra is still cooking …
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take…… never take ….. never take what???       I never
take a potato I think…

What if social media were a highschool ?

March 14, 2011

Roses Vs Potatoes … !!

March 10, 2011

Well, there’s a lot of reasons

i mean, roses only last like a couple weeks

and that’s if you leave them in water

and they really only exist to be pretty

so that’s like saying

“my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance”

but a potato!

potatos last for fucking ever, man

in fact, not only will they not rot, they actually grow shit even if you just leave them in the sack

that part alone makes it a good symbol

but there’s more!

there are so many ways to enjoy a potato! you can even make a battery with it!

and that’s like saying “i have many ways in which I show my love for you

“and potatos may be ugly, but they’re still awesome

so that’s like saying “it doesn’t matter at all what you look like, I’ll still love you”
Source : http://bash.org/?top

How Cameras Are Used ??

February 21, 2011

 

Magical frog ….

January 12, 2011

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”

The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make Your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. ”

The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.” So, -she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said,

“That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”

So, -she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the story for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they’re really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!

More cell phones in India than toilets: UN report

April 20, 2010

Far more Indians have access to cell phones than to toilet and basic sanitation, a new UN report has said.

“It is a tragic irony to think that in India, a country now wealthy enough that roughly half of the people own phones, about half cannot afford the basic necessity and dignity of a toilet,” said Zafar Adeel, Director of United Nations University Institute for Water, Environment and Health.

“Popular education about the health dangers of poor sanitation is also needed. But this simple measure could do more to save lives, especially those of young people, improve health and help pull India and other countries in similar circumstances out of poverty than any alternative investment. It can also serve as a very significant boost to the local economy,” he added.

The report is produced by experts who prescribe ways to meet the Millennium Development Goal (MDG) on sanitation by 2015.

The esearch shows roughly 366 million people (31 per cent of the population) in India had access to improved sanitation in 2008. Other data, meanwhile, shows 545 million cell phones are now connected to service in India’s emerging economy. The number of cell phones per 100 people has skyrocketed from 0.35 in year 2000-01 to about 45 today.

Worldwide, some 1.1 billion people defecate in the open and data shows progress in creating access to toilets and sanitation lags far behind world MDG targets, even as mobile phone connections continue to a predicted 1 billion in India by 2015, according to the study.

The report says it costs about $300 to build a toilet, and worldwide an estimated $358 billion is needed between now and 2015 to reach the MDG for sanitation.

“The world can expect, however, a return of between $3 and $4 for every dollar spent on sanitation, realised through reduced poverty and health costs and higher productivity, an economic and humanitarian opportunity of historic proportions,” said Adeel.

If current global trends continue, the World Health Organisation and UNICEF, in a report titled “Progress on Sanitation and Drinking Water” in March, predicted a 1 billion person shortfall from the sanitation goal in 2015 — in all, 2.7 billion will lack access.

“This report notes cultural taboos surround this issue in some countries, preventing progress,” said Adeel. “Anyone who shirks the topic as repugnant, minimises it as undignified, or considers unworthy those in need should let others take over for the sake of 1.5 million children and countless others killed each year by contaminated water and unhealthy sanitation.”

The nine recommendations to meet the MDG include addressing sanitation in the context of global poverty, making sanitation a primary focus within the broader context of water management and access to safe water and integrating sanitation into community life.

Another report released last year by the WHO and UNICEF found that India has the largest number of persons that defecate in the open worldwide– around 665 million.

Baniya Jokes…

April 16, 2010

Sardaron par bahut jokes suney hai, here are some Baniya Jokes….

Baniya: Yeh kela(banana) kaisay diya?
Shopkeeper: 1Rs.
Baniya: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?
S.K: 60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.
Baniya:Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de


Baniya on his death time.
My wife, where r u ?
Wife:Yes, I’m here
My sons daughters ru all here?
Yes, Papa
Baniya:To phir brabar wale kamre
ka pankha Q khula hay ??? :D:D:D

Baniya 14th floor se neche gira
Girte waqt usne
apni ghar ki khirki me
apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha
to chilla k bola
MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA!

Baniya ne sheikh ko khoon dey k uski jaan bachai.
Sheikh ne usay MERCEDEZ gift kardi.
Sheikh ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari,
Baniya ne phir khoon dia.
Ab k bar Sheikh ne till waly laddu gift kiye,
Baniya:Ghusse se, mercedez kion nahi di?
Sheikh:Munna…!! Ab hamarey ander bhi baniye ka khoon dor raha hay:)

Baniya called a newspaper office and asked: Mera Chacha Mar gaya hai, kya charges hongay?
NewsPaper: Rs.50 per word.
Baniya: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho “Chacha Guzar Gaye”.
Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!
Baniya: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do….. Acha likho…….. ……… .
Chacha Guzar Gaye – Maruti for Sale .

Baniya ask to Taxi Driver: CP wale gurudware jayega kya?
Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.
Baniya ne jaib se lunchbox nikala or kaha:
Wapsi main langar ka khana lete aana.

Baniya ko bhoot charh gaya ,
3 din baad bhoot khud ek ojha k paas gaya aur bola,
Ojha sahab mujhe bahar Nikalo..! Warna me to bhookha hi mar jaon ga

Titanic K Sath Baniya Bhi Doob Raha Tha
Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha
Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?
Baniya: Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda.

This is dedicated to my Friend who exactly resembles with the ones above ! 😀 (Name hidden for friendship purposes 😛 :P)

Don’t Lie to Your Mother………..especially if she is Indian !!!

November 26, 2009

 

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner……. who lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Kumar’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Kumar volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Kumar said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote :
———————-
Dear Mother:
I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the silver plate from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the silver plate.. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Kumar
———————-
Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read :
———————-
Dear Son:
I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Sunita, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow…
Love, Mom.
———————-
Lesson of the day:
Don’t Lie to Your Mother………..especially if she is Indian

 

 

Logically Speaking !!!

November 17, 2009

 

>— I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I’m perfect.
>— If I save time, when do I get it back?
>— The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
>— As I said before, I never repeat myself.
>— Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
>— If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
>— War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who is left.
>— Best way to prevent a hangover is to stay drunk.
>— If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it’s your stupidity.
>— I was born intelligent…. education ruined me.
>— A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station… What more can I say !
>— If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
>— Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
>— How come “abbreviated” is such a long word?
>— Don’t frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
>— The Best of Proverbs :
Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are enough
>— Living on Earth may be expensive…but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun….!
>— Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep!
>— SMOKING KILLS SLOWLY.
So what? Who’s in a hurry?
>— A drunk was hauled into court.
“Mister”, the judge began, “you’ve been brought here for drinking….”
“Great,” the drunk exclaimed . When do we get started ?
>— Can you do anything that other people can’t ?
Sure, I can read my handwriting…..!

 

 

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